Facing The Monsters
“Out of doubt, out of dark to the day’s rising
I came singing into the sun, sword unsheathing.
To hope’s end I rode and to heart’s breaking:” Tolkien
Fear is a powerful thing. It can make you move mountains, or allow you to hide beneath them, or bury you. I miss the ignorance of youth. I miss when everything was new, or an adventure. I miss, when my “mindset” reflected “there is nothing I can’t do”, if I put my mind to it. Of course, I was not aware I thought this, but I acted it out every day. It carried me though life, it propelled me. It gave me wings to fly, and sometimes it let me fall to experience broken wings, but it didn’t slow me down all that much. At least it didn’t, if the lesson I learned was determination, not defeat. “It’s not over till the fat lady sings”, as they say. We all learned to crawl, before we walked, so too, we must learn to grow strong wings, before we jump off that building, or make the climb up the high rise to jump in the first place. The great thing about youth was that I picked myself up, and did it again, without consideration of the odds against me. There were so many possibilities in front of me. I wanted to experience them all like a heroine in a book or movie. I was unwilling to accept the propaganda shoved at me of “I can’t” entirely, or accept “no” as a finale answer. I was young with my future ahead of me. There was livin to do. I use to be fearless. That is a mindset, all in itself, and I miss it.
The difference is I have now met fear. I tripped over him in my hurry to reach the glory of living. It was a very rude awaking. Don’t get me wrong. I still don’t give up easy, if at all. I’m still fighting for the living. I try to stare down fears gullet shaking and shivering, despite me. The trouble is now I do so in knowledge, not ignorance. My monsters have grown six heads, instead of two. I can see the majority of them now. I forget that I carry the sword of light within me, when overwhelming opposition approaches. I forget I own the power of choice, and that it makes all the difference in the quality of life I live. The irony is the dark fears the light, because just one tiny flame will pierce its all-encompassing darkness, erasing its dark influence over the whole causing transformation. If I die and I am reborn, I am stronger, because I have emerged from oppression, walked through the fires, and discovered the Elysian Fields, if only for a moment. I just have to remember that. Life is chaos. It is in being human that we try to find the patterns, create the illusion of order, and harness chaos. Chaos is a mathematical fact that allows us multiple answers to one problem, and so many outcomes to the choices we make.
I now see the vast chaos that is life. I see through the illusion of my ignorance. I am daunted by the possibilities of life’s judgments and enormity of “what if’”. My own worst enemy has become myself in the glory of living, the wisdom that spawns, and the awareness of my own built in self-afflictions in that knowledge. “With knowledge comes great responsibility” and power. I don’t know who said that, but it is a truth of life. It is actually “the power” part I prefer to focus on. Because, it means I have the power to change things in the oceans of chaos out there, to pave my own way, to change whatever goes wrong and how I react to it, or learn to cope with it. It can go the other way too, down the dark path to destruction, but I’m not accepting that. The positive outcome is in the believing, or acting like it, till you have achieved it. It seemed easier in the youth of my beginning, which was my lack of awareness and knowledge. Now instead of cruising with hope, it’s a mountain I must climb to hope. There is power in thought and in words. Words (thoughts) can break your bones metaphorical, if not literally, despite the old childhood cliché that says they can’t, which is where fear likes to poke its head into the mixture, hence the power of choice and belief.
So to be true to the oxymoron that I am, I will say, I believe in possibilities. I have hope, even when the world says I shouldn’t. It is a tug-a-war of frustrate and contradiction I have struggle with most my life. I believe in humanity, despite life experiences, all the kicks and neglect on personal levels, the hording of gray knowledge that stock piles in a life lived, and the negativity that is breed by disillusion from the ways of the world. The future is built on imagination, and the shaking off of convention and absolutes. The 21st century was paved, created, from such belief and choices. Life is a struggle sometimes hard and tragic, but it is always wondrous, beautiful, and a miracle in its existence at all. I have gained knowledge. I have the tools to implement transformation. So why do I find it so hard to do? I will not be defeated by self-doubt and fear. I will embrace life. I will keep my eyes to the stars, and my feet on solid ground. I will have faith in me, because I am one. I have been a complete whole from birth, just like the number one. I just have to believe, do the math. I will leave the essence of my touch behind in all my quests, in hope that I have inspired others, offered them strength of light in their dark night and struggles, with their own personal nemesis, because I know what it feels like. How am I going to do this? I don’t know, but all I can do is try, step out, and free fall trusting myself to land on my feet.
My heart is not faint, but it is too tender for my own personal good. It is one of my greatest weaknesses (Achilles heel), and that also makes it one of my greatest strengths, along with fear. I just have to learn how to use it. I need to figure out how to remove the roadblock of self, and travel the un-hewed path that faces all of us, on this life journey. There may be “nothing new under the sun”, but as we journey forward as individuals, it is still in its entirety “the wild path”, before all of us. It is the first time I have made this journey in this life. Here is to writing, to living, to becoming… I toast the “hero’s journey” that we all travel. I’m shooting for becoming the hero instead of the villain, although a good villain can grow on you in a story. However, the majority of peoples will still root for the hero every time. It gives hope and relief when he wins, in life and in fiction.
Note: One of the most influential books on my thought patterns, especially as a writer, but also with psychological applications to life, as I learned more about creating story is
“The Writer’s Journey” 3rd edition by Christopher Vogler
